Volturi Lair
by Wannabe-Fantasy
Summary: Do you ever wonder what the Volturi do in their spare time? No? I do. I have decided to let you know EXACTLY what those cheeky minxes do. So, please give it a chance! Rated T for possible retina scarring.
1. Prolouge

**Hey! So this is going to be my first non-oneshot! I'll try to update often, but I'd really like reviews. Also, if you have any ideas for this story, please let me know!!!!**

**So now, you minxes, I will start my story. Which is a tale of tails. And destruction. And horror. You get the message don't you? Of course you do. I knew you did.**

**So....... a little prolouge to introduce my tale of tails.**

**Disclaimer: Unfortunately I do not own the Volturi, Twilight Saga or the Volturi's lair. However, I do own thick skin, so do your worst. (Actually don't, I might cry)**

* * *

Sometimes, things happen in the Volturi lair. Because, yes, they do have a lair. Of course they do. Who doesn't?

Anyway, lairs aside- these things that happen are often scarring, terrifying moments that make certain vampires want to be able to cry. Or die. Or turn back time. You get the picture don't you? Of course you do. You smart cookies.

Anyway, before I so rudely sidetracked myself, I believe I was talking about these horrendus, disgusting, PETRIFYING moments that make you want to BURN your retinas. They do, really.

You see, vampires get bored. It's simply a fact of unlife. When you have all eternity to live, there are some nights you're so bored, you are almost tempted to sing karoke with Felix. He's not bad you know. He's freaking terrible.

But anyway, I really must stop interrupting myself, it's a bad bad bad bad bad (x 10000000) habit. It is really. Stop distracting me, you cheeky peeps.

So, these moments in the Volturi Lair, well. They occur often. Usually at the most annoying of moments. Because, although being iontach iontach iontach galanta* and evil, the Volturi are just normal sociopaths. They are, accept it.

I have decided, to entertain both myself and you (oooh kinky. Shut up), by documenting these events.

I accept no responsibility for retina scarring.

And btw, is your retina in your eye? Also, what is it?? These are just some of the questions that will haunt you during this long-winded tale.

Enjoy.

* * *

**So, whatcha think? Tell me your opinion, cos I know you have one -.-**

**That's right, I know. Mmmm-hmmmmm.**

**I went there.**


	2. The Showdown

**So, here is my first chapter-chapter! I hope you lol at it! Please, let me know how it is!**

**Disclaimer:I do not own Twilight, the Volturi, Eye of The Tiger, Can't Touch This, Mama, a gold thong or a red and black leotard. Yeah, your scared now, aren't you? ;)**

* * *

Today........ was the day. The day............ was today.

Aro and Cauis were having a showdown. Yes. I know. But they are.

Shall I set the scene for you?

Every member of the Volturi, dead and alive are lining the walls of a huge circular room in the Volturi Lair, that I just invented. Sulpicia and Athenodora (what kind of names are those? How in the name of God do you pronounce Sulpicia??? Where was I before I so rudely interrupted myself??) were currently cheerleading outfits while growling at each other.

Demitri, Corin and Santiago were watching avidly. Perverts.

Anyway, Sulpicia- (ok, her new name is Cia. Accept it.), **Cia **actually looked quite purty in a gold and white skimpy, skimpy outfit (I bet she's freezing. If vampires feel the cold. Which they do now. I really need to stop distracting myself. Oooh kinky. Damn it!) while Dora-yes, **Dora**- looked scarily emo-ey in a black and red one piece. They were yelling insults at each other now, I'm sure I heard a few "yo mama's". Good grief.

It has just occured to me that I have not told you what the showdown is over. That is beacause I'm not too sure. It could be because Aro found Cauis' magazines. X-rated magazines, ya know what I'm saying? You don't? Well, Juicy Crusts, I'm not explaining it. Ask your mother.

Or, could it be because Cauis reliased that Aro really couldn't give a budgie what Cauis thought about le Cullen fandango? But does anyone? I mean, just kill Bella already! Her monobrow makes my teeth hurt. But ANYWAY! No one is too sure what their fight is over. I'm not sure any of the Guard really gives a flying fish either. I mean, talk about angsty!

But back to The Showdown.......

The Round-Room-That-I-Just-Invented suddenly went pitch black. "Ooooooooooooooooooo-oooooooooooooooooooooooo's" echoed around the place. The crowd shifted so a huge, empty, circular hole (leave it.) was in the middle of the room. Snickers and giggles bounced around randomly. Then a light suddenly appeared in the middle of hole (i said, leave it).

" and , are you ready for.......... THE ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN?!"

God in Heaven. It was Marcus. With his hair in a mowhawk. And in a shiny blue boiler suit.

"Are you ready for the one and only, Arooooooooooooooooooooooooo Volturiiiiiiiiiiiii?!"

Admist the screams and yells, Cia erupted into quite a good cheer:

"Watch out, step back,

The tiger is on the attack

He's strong, powerful, dominating and bold

Volturi remember only champions wear gold!"

From hidden speakers, Aro's theme tune blared out:

"Risin' up, back on the street

Did my time, took my chances

Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet

Just a man and his will to survive...."

Aro stalked out from nowhere wearing a gold silk cloak which he threw off to reveal a gold silk... thong. He started posing macho-ly and blowing kisses at the crowd. It was hard to tell who was screaming loudest. Cia, Jane or Felix.

"It's the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight

Risin' up to the challenge of our rival

And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night

And he's watchin' us all in the eye of the tiger!"

"Ladiezzz and Gents- Arooo Volturiii!" Aro grinned at everyone and waved. "Now, are you READY to be inTROduced to Aro's challenger?"

Again, I was blinded by the screeches of everyone. "Laydeeeeezzzzzz and Gentzzzzzaaaaa............ CAUIS VOLTURIIIIIIIIIII!!!!"

Omigod's and eeeeeee's were everywhere. Again. And, oh right, apparently it was Dora's turn to cheer. Dear Lord.

"Janie, Janie, grant our wish!

Janie, Janie make Aro go SQUISH! (clap, clap)

SQUISH! (clap, clap)

SQUISH! (clap, clap, clap)"

It was silent for a moment. Two moments. Three- oh here we go. The usual deafening, blinding and othering-ing. Then, like before Cauis' theme tune blared out from the actually not-that-well-hidden speakers.

"U can't touch this

U can't touch this

U can't touch this

U can't touch this."

Cauis stalked out swearing and screaming. "ALEC?? WHAT IN THE NAME OF ARSE?" Everyone turned around to see Alec and Demetri break dancing to what appears to be Alec's favourite song. "What? Oh right, sorry. It's just so damn catchy.

I told you homeboy

U can't touch this

Yeah, that's how we livin' and you know

U can't touch this

Look in my eyes,man

U can't touch this

Yo, let me bust the funky lyrics

U can't- aargghhhhhhhhh! Ok, ok, I'm changing it!"

Cauis strutted back to nowhere and the process started again.

"Super Trouper beams are gonna blind me

But I won't feel blue

Like I always do

'Cause somewhere in the crowd there's you!"

"CAUIS VOLTURIIIIIIIIIIIIII EVERYBODY!"

Cauis threw off his red velvet robe to reveal a red and black silk leotard.

He revealed a leotard.

A leotard revealed itself on him.

Cauis was in a leotard.

A leotard was on Cauis.

Those words should never even be considered being used in the same sentence. Ever. I know what your doing. Your sitting thinking the words 'leotard' and 'Cauis' in the same sentence just to irritate me. Stop it, you cheeky heathens!

Well, everything erupted (don't even.) then, didn't it? Jane fainted, Chelsea started sobbing, Felix started wolf- whisting, Demitri and Afton started slapping Felix, Alec was now stripping to Can't Touch This and oh Babai Iosa*, I'm not even going to mention what Renata was doing.

Things were dissolving into complete looninosity. I made myself scare before I got any closer to Cauis' you-know-what. The last thing I saw on that horrendus night was Alec asking Aro where he got his thong.

Re-living that night made me feel very weak and in need of a revitalising Easter Egg.

* * *

*** Babai Iosa= Baby Jesus in Irish**

**and in the prolouge i wrote "iontach iontach iontach galanta", it means very, very, very beautiful, again in Irish.**

**So, whatcha think??**

_**Please review!!**_

**Now, if you will all excuse my creativeosity and courageousness (i did retell my horrible experience), i need a Easter egg, stat. Btw, why do they say stat? Is it stat they say? It's like retina. Is a retina in your eye? OmiJasper, I'm exhausted.**


	3. Part One: BATTLE OF THE YO MAMA'S!

**Helloooo party people!**

**OK, this chapter is not meant to offend anyone. I know some people can be touchy, (not naming any names, mostly because I don't know your names and also I've had really good reviews). **

**I love you all, please review.**

**Disclaimer: Ahem. Apparently I don't own Twilight. It's news to me, but there you go. Some people.....**

**Thank you:**

**..invisible**

**xxBoyMeetsGirlxx**

**Satan'sLittleHelper95**

**TeamPaul15**

**evilwriterofdoom**

**for reviewing and alerting! God, that sounds wrong. You all have dirty minds. -.-**

* * *

**BATTLE OF THE YO MAMA'S!**

**Part One**

Face it, Jane, I could ultimately beat you in a fight. Against me, your gift is more or less useless," Alec explained matter-of-factly.

"OH, OH, OH HE DI-N'T!" Afton yelled.

"OH, OH, OH, I BELIEVE HE DID!" Demetri practically screeched.

Alec just looked at them. Jane just looked at them. Heidi just looked at them. They even just looked at themselves. They did. I know, but that's Dem and Afton for you.

"ExCUSE me, Alec, but I could whup yo ass in a fight, yo mama's boy," Jane stated.

"Oh, she went there, OH YES she did," Heidi sang.

You may be wondering what in the name of Aro's sorting hat is going on. Well, so am I. Deal with it.

"Jane? Why in the name of Felix's goldfish are you talking like that?"

"Yo, yo, say WHAT? Talking like what you know, bruv? You gotta problem with the ways I be speaking?"

"You sound like a bloody fool."

"SO DOES YO MAMA!"

"Ooooooooh, Alec, you got burned!" Heidi whistled.

"Yo mama is my mama! Oh, for the love of Carlisle, why am I speaking like this!"

"Alec, cool it, my brother. We can bust those fools, using your magic mist, y'all know what I'm saying?" Afton whispered.

"NOT YOU TOO!"

"Yo, yo, yo...... ARO in the hooouse!!" Again with the looking. What is this a looking convention? God, some people.....

"Christ Almighty," Alec looked like he was about to top himself.

Aro continued as if he had not been rudely interrupted, not by me for once, but by in fact a rather pretty vampire boy and here we go, you're all side tracking me. You do it on purpose, don't you? Don't lie I _know_ you do. Here we go AGAIN. My Jasper, this is really getting it out of hand (ooooh. Kinky. Shuddup.).

ANYWAY, before I was so rudely interrupted, I was explaining that Aro was continuing as if _he_ had not not been rudely interrupted. Try saying that 5 times fast. No, don't. We're getting off track again.

"There is only one fo shizzle way for this conflict of opionations to be so-orted!" Aro crowed.

"Oh, oh, wha-aat?" Jane screamed.

Alec said nothing. Demetri took the noose away from him.

"BATTLE OF THE YO MAMA'S!"

There was now a sudden outburst of 'oh, oh, o-ooh's' and 'in the hooouse's'. There was also the distinct sound of someone dry sobbing, but we're just going to ignore that.

Yes, we are. Accept it.

"So, in the BATTLE OF THE YO MAMA'S! we shall put Jane and Alec against each other and they will have to YO MAMA! it out," Marcus said.

"God, Marcus, way to bring the thing down, man," indignantly said by Afton.

Marcus just looked at them. Again with the bloody looking. He then just slithered off, sighing to himself.

Awkward silence.

"Er, anyway y'all, MEET in the Throne Room, tomorrooow, at the hour of eleven," Aro rapped.

"And then, Jane will whup y'all's asses!" Heidi shrieked.

"Oh, no, she di-n't!"

"Oh, yahs she di-d!"

From then it was just complete and utter and total and um, yeah.... It was chaos.

Heidi was yelling at Dem and Afton and Afton was yelling at Dem and Heidi and Dem was yelling at Heidi and Afton and Jane was rapping and Alec was trying to drown himself.

Yes, I know. That's how I felt. I know. OK, shut up now.

So, matey's ahoy, gather around tomorrow and we shall see who won the BATTLE OF THE YO MAMA'S!

Yes, we shall.

Fine. BE LIKE THAT.

See if I care.

No! Come back!

* * *

**I knew you'd come back.**

**OMJ, you exhaust me. But I love you. Not a creepy way.**

**Had a bit of writer's block ALREADY but I remembered me and my friend's BATTLE OF THE YO MAMA'S! and decided to use it!**

**Hope you enjoyed.**

**Review!**


	4. Part Two: BATTLE OF THE YO MAMA'S!

**Helloooooo you party people!**

**I don't know if me likes this chapter so I shall let my darling reviewers decide..........hint....**

**Oh Lord, do I have to spell it out for you? You minxes.**

**Thank you iontach iontach much:**

**pulchra fabula- stat**

**..invisible (my 1st ever reviewer!)**

**alwaysrunwild**

**PixieVolturi96**

**Satan'sLittleHelper95**

**if I forgot you, let me know!**

**Thank you everyone who story alerted or favourited!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Volturi. Or Alec....... or do I? Fine! Someone's touchy!**

**I don't own any brands or songs mentioned in this story. I also don't own a sequinned thong.**

* * *

"Alright you crazy mofo's, are you ready for the BATTLE OF THE YO MAMA'S?" Aro screeched into a megaphone. I can hear you all now, 'Aro and a megaphone? That doesn't make sense'. Well neither does yo mama. Yeah. I went there.

Anyway, God here we go again. It is just getting bloody ridiculous. Oh, don't argue. Where was I? Oh yes.

Aro was looking particularly fetching in a pair of horrendusly baggy jeans, a black wife-beater vest and some gold chains. He had also shaved his head. And what kind of name is wife-beater for a vest? Who thinks of these things? I'd love to meet them. Mostly so I could give them a swift kick in the rear end. Oh, look you've done it again.

ANYWAY.... the room was divided into two sections. Heidi and Chelsea stood in one corner, with at least 9 bottles of A+ and Demetri and Afton were in the opposite corner with a load of bottles of AB+. Heidi and Chelsea were in matching Apple Bottom outfits wearing basketball shoes, while Demetri and Afton looked like fools with massive jeans and string vests. Demetri was sporting a mohawk while Afton looked like he'd just been electrocuted. Wait..... oh, no, he does mean to have his hair like that. Someone didn't wake up on the wrong side of the bed. (See what I did there? Didn't wake up? Cos they don't sleep. God, sometimes I crack myself up. Oh, you know you want to have a laugh.)

"Oh, oh, oh we have Jane in the hiiiiiii-ouse!" Chelsea suddenly and rather frighteningly screamed.

Jane walked out looking quite worrying in short short short shorts, a gold belt, gold heels and a black tight tank top. She slightly looked like a Lady Of The Night. She raised her arms to the masses and I Made It by Kevin Rudolf started playing.

'Yeah

Cash Money Heroes

Private Jets

Polish, fly

I look up to the sky

and now the World is mine

Ive known it all my life

I made it, I made it!'

"Holla, my be-atchs! I am here to rock the house! Hell to the yeah y'all! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jane rapped while half the crowd 'yeah-ed' and some just screamed. Mostly in fear of her gold stilettos.

"Oh, y'all we gots my boy Alec!" Afton proudly announced. It went incredibly quiet and annoyingly dark when Sexting by Ludacris bellowed through the room.

'So Im just sitting in this rehab class

trying to get myself unhooked on ass

so then my teacher asked me a question

like Ludacris are you over there sexting

ha ha OMG LOL KIT Smiley faces X and Os LMFAO

my girl went through my cell phone

my girl went through my cell phone '

"Fo shizzle, my bitches, it is Alec in the hiz-houzzzze!" Alec had obviously overcome his recent suicide problems and looked as gorgeous as ever. Yes he did. He is beautiful and you know it. Stop lying to yourself! You cheeky minxes!

Anyhoo, before you so rudely interrupted me by stubbornly and needlessly arguing, Alec was wearing, of course, baggy track bottoms, a tight *drool* black wife-beater (again with the blooming stupidly named vest) and basketball shoes. He strutted over to his 'crew' and sat down, swigging from a bottle of AB+.

"Yo people, we is about to COMMENCE with the BATTLE OF THE YO MAMA'S! ARE YOU REAAAAAADY!" Aro started break dancing to Low (Flo-Rida and T-Pain, man. He's not called T-Pain man, the 'man' is just me being the shizz. Yes it is and you know it.)

Alec did his manly-stutting/limping walk to the middle of the floor. He pushed his hair back and said,

"Yo Jane. Yo momma's so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said 'Yes, let's go bury it.' "

"OHHHHHHHHHH my boy did that!" Demetri crowed.

"Uh-uh Alec," Jane said as she danced her way to face her brother, " Yo momma's so fat, when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to drag her back in the water!"

"AHH-HAAH! My girl went there!" Heidi shrieked back.

"Holla Janie, Yo momma's so stupid, she ordered a cheese burger from McDonald's and said "Hold the cheese." "

"Yo momma's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car."

"Yo momma's so stupid, she sold the car for gas money!!"

"Yo momma's so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her!"

Throughout the crowd of baggy trousers wearing peeps, 'holla's' and "hell to the naw's' could be heard. Aro was just being ignored and Cauis was watching avidly, his head swinging back and forth. Marcus' face actually appeared interesting and he didn't, for once, look like his face had just been slapped with a fish. He was "oooohing" thats why. Mmm-hmmm. I know. But he was.

Heidi was snapping her fingers in the Z formation and Chelsea's head was wobbling so much she was in danger of being mistaken for a pigeon. Afton was crowing at every given chance and Demetri was "ha-ha-ing" and "oohing" while making gun shapes with his hand and yelling, "Brap-brap-brap, baby girl! You just been Alec-ed!"

"Yo momma's so stupid, she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home!"

"Yo momma's so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale!"

"Yo momma's so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!"

"Yo momma's so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!"

"Damn, girl you is vicious!" Heidi and Chelsea were screaming.

"Oh, my boy Alec, you got this brother!"

Alec and Jane were circling each other and both looked rather stressed.

"Yo, Alec, yo momma's so fat, they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through!"

"OH YES SHE DID!" Chelsea roared.

"Holla, Janie gurrrl. **Yo momma's so fat, we're inside her right now!!!! **Hell to the yes, I went there!" Alec bellowed while being leaped upon by Dem and Afton.

"OH, OH, OH and we have a WINNER of THE BATTLE OF THE YO MAMA'S!" Aro returned from his dancing fit and started yelling.

"The Ultimate Burn-Meister, ALEC VOLTURI!"

Everyone went wild and in the excitement, Felix whipped off his clothes to reveal a sequinned thong. Renata started to cry and Jane tooked off her heels and lobbed them at Aro, whom they hit squarely in the you know's. He ain't getting up for a while.

Heidi and Chelsea stormed out with Jane, probably to go pillage some villagers. Alec was hoisted above most people by Felix, who then flung him into the crowd, encouraging him to crowd surf.

Santiago was seen sneaking out with a bundle wrapped up in his white string vest.

He didn't return that night.

Neither did Jane's gold stiletto's.

* * *

**So, my chick-a-dees, watcha think?**

**So, I stayed up until after 1 last night writing this.**

******Then my laptop went out of power.**

**It didn't save.**

**I cried.**

**OmiJasper, you better believe I cried.**

**Your reviews will be tissues.**

**Juicy Crusts, I think I need some revitalising Jammy Dodgers.**


	5. Please read this I'm sorry

Hi everyone.

I'm so, so sorry I haven't been updating at all regularly. I've just found out my parents are splitting up and I'm really not dealing with it well.

I'll try and get another chapter out this week, I just haven't really been able to get the will to write funny stuff.

Sorry if this brought you down, I just thought you deserved an explanation.

J x


	6. Aerobics Class

**Hmm.... not my best, but I'm getting back on track.**

**I'm not fussed on this, but do with it what you will. **

**Oh, God, you're perveted.**

**I'm going now.**

**But, first- thank you: **

_**..invisible- first ever reviewer**_

_**pulchra fabula**_

_**Meranda Gaea Etraud- you, child, are hilarious!**_

_**xxBoyMeetsGirlxx**_

_**Layla's Lancaster**_

_**ilovethetwilightsagagradof2018- leopard thong for you lol. You made me smile so much! This child is hyper**_

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with Twilight. I also don't own any Tan-Tastic. But I don't have a problem with it.**

**Or a leopard print thong.**

Or a green one-piece.

You see where this is going.

**Aerobics Class**

Everyone was gathered in the big round room I invented at the start of this story. Don't tell me you don't remember. Oh, I knew you would, you smart cookies!

Anyway, Aro had called a meeting. No one knew what it was about. To be honest, no one really gave a flying pigs foot either. Oh, well except for Corin. But that was just Corin. Very weird guy, you know. For instance, he has admitted to enjoying mani-pedi after a particularly tiring mission. I know. I know! Exactly what I said. And in the name of Alec, look! We're barely starting the story and your distracting me. You crazy fools.

So, when Aro finally arrived (he was still sporting the 'gangsta' look. Enjoy those images.), he started straight away on a speech.

"Huh, huh yo y'all!" he rapped. "I bes thinking that we needs to like you know, exercise our right to........exercise."

Everyone just looked at him. Then everyone looked at each other. It was like a looking convention.

"Aro?" Jane asked, in a sweet, innocent voice, "What in the name of Afton's feather boa are you on about?"

Everyone looked at Afton. Again with the looking. I don't think these people have anything better to do. Really.

"What?" Afton demanded. "It's soft! I like to stroke it!"

"Yes, I'm sure you do......" Alec trailed off very, very amusingly. That is until Chelsea whacked him upside the head.

"Well, anyway, yo fools, I have in factizzle signed y'all up for an aerobic class! Whatcha think 'bout that?" Aro asked, looking rather proud and twat-like.

Santiago raised his hand.

"Yes, my man?"

"Is it in a community centre or a school?"

"Nuh-uh, homie. I gots the instructa-dude to come up to our crib."

"Oh, that's OK. It's just I'm not allowed within 200ft of a school or community hall," Santiago explained, relieved.

Everyone looked at him. Don't even say anything.

I bet your all saying something now, aren't you. Just to annoy me. You are. I know it. I'm on to you.

Aro just ignored him. As you do.

"Er. Whateva, homeboy. So y'all go gets yo appropriate apparelizzle on your sexay bodies. Meet down here in this mysterious but shizzle-astic round room in twentyyyyyyyyyy!" He finished in soprano.

Everyone left, some laughing, some crying, some sneezing, some fishing. You get the picture. Oh yes you do. -.- I know what your trying to do. Your trying to distract me. Well, it's not going to work. So muahahahahahahaha. Ok?

Now, where was I? I can't remember.

Oh yes.

**20 minutes later**

The guard all traipsed back into the mysterious-but-awesome round room. Shall I describe some of their outfits?

Ah, see now your regretting saying what I told you not to say earlier aren't you?

Jane was sporting a rather fetching luminous pink sports bra and black leggings. Alec, was wearing a similar outfit, expect his sports bra was yellow. He also had matching plimsolls on.

Felix.......well. I didn't think leopard print thongs were very appropriate for aerobics class. But, there you go.

I quite liked Heidi's ensemble. A purple leotard, with purple leg-warmers and purple slippers. She'd been reading the Sweet Valley Twins series again. Some people. You just can't tell them. What's that? No, I don't know what I can't tell her. Shuddup.

Before I was so rudely interrupted by my subconcious, I was telling you some of the interesting, if bloody ridiculous outfits some of our favourite people had turned up in.

Renata was..... well, no-one likes Renata. Let's skip her.

Demetri was in a pair of bicycle shorts and er... that's it.

What is wrong with these freaks? I know what your thinking now. Your thinking, what's wrong with you, you absolute lunatic, your the one writing this nonsense. And to these people, I say- I know. Believe me. I do.

"Hallooooooooooo, my sexay people! How are you all, darlings?" crowed a very feminine man (know what I'm saying? Huh, huh? Well, Jebus, I'm not telling you. Ask your mother. Some people.)

Everybody turned to see a rather tall man in a very, very, very tight black leotard. He had a stereo in one hand and a feather boa in the other. Afton noticed this and gave everyone a very smug smile.

"Darlings, my name is Bruce. And today we will be," he he winked at Demetri, who looked positively horrified, "limbering up."

Bruce giggled.

So did Felix.

"OK, everyone find a space and start warming up!" Bruce sang.

Everyone tripped around the room, when Cauis and Marcus burst in.

"MY EYES! WHY, GOD, WHY?" Corin screeched.

Jane fainted and Alec just stood there gaping at them like a.......... well like a gaping thing. Shuddup.

"Oh, yes! Now, that is what I call STYLE!" Bruce bellowed.

Heidi started to cry.

Cauis was sporting skin tight, Lycra leggings and a sequinned crop-top. He had about 300 tonnes of glitter eyeshadow on. His false eyelashes touched his nose when he blinked.

Marcus, was also wearing Lycra. Except he was wearing a lime green one-piece with matching eyeliner. He also had a little white tote bag with him, in which everyone could see a bottle of Tan-tastic sticking out.

It appeared that Cauis and Marcus were now transvestites.

And chavvy ones at that.

Oh, Lord.

Demetri had joined Heidi and was collapsed on the floor sobbing. Felix and Bruce were wolf-whistling and Afton was looking at his trainers, tracksuit bottoms and feather boa in disgust. He wanted to be more like Cauis. Who doesn't? I know you already are like Cauis, you cheeky minxes!

Anyway before you distracted me by being disgustingly perveted, I was explaining about the complete chaos that the aerobics class delved into because of Cauis and Marcus' little........ problem.

Bruce quickly sorted them out however.

"OK, darlings! Find a space! You three-," here he gave the come-over-here finger crook to Dem, Cauis and Marcus," come up front."

Cauis and Marcus strutted up to the front, glad to be noticed.

Demetri ran away.

"Er, OK, honey's. Time to get down!" Bruce screamed. "Are you ready?!"

**"Don't you know, pump it up,**

**You've got to pump it up, **

**Don't you know pump it up, **

**You've got to pump it up!"**

Everyone was completely gobsmacked. Except for Alec. This was another one of his favourite songs.

"Ok, bend and stretch. And stretch! To the left! To the right! Stretch, stretch, stretch!"

**"It's not so long ago, that the sound hit the nation. **

**Every saturday night, on your favourite radio. **

**The party's jumpin' yeah, and the vibe feels so strong. **

**Throw your hands in the air, lift your head up high, **

RIGHT, LEFT, FORWARD, RIGHT!

**You know you've got to sing along.**

**Don't you know, pump it up,**

**You've got to pump it up, **

**Don't you know pump it up, **

**You've got to pump it up!"**

Suddenly, there was a snapping noise. And a scream. And something flying through the air.

Felix's thong had snapped.

Snapped had the thong upon Felix.

The thong that Felix was wearing, snapped.

Things went very, very downhill from there. Cauis, Marcus and Bruce all started screeching and diving for the thong. Jane broke down and Heidi was still on the floor sobbing anyway. No-one likes Renata, so nobody cares what she was doing. Alec was sitting down backwards and forwards muttering. It appears that Alec had been beside him when the incident happened.

Felix, however, stood there grinning. This was his time to shine.

**There you go!**

**Please review? :)**

**Btw, no offence is meant by this.**

**Not sure how anyone would be but some people.**

**Right, I'm going to go eat a Weetabix now.**

**Have fun.**

**I love you all.**

**But not in a creepy way.**

**Goodbye.**


	7. The Volturi Go To Therapy

OK, blame _**ilovethetwilightsagagradof2018**_ for any retina scarring! They gave me this idea and this chapter is dedicated to them!

I'm so tired, so Damon knows what this is like.

Review and the leprachauns will smile! Yay!

_LetsAllBePandas_

_pulchra fabula_

_xxBoyMeetsGirlxx- lol, yes they are very 'corny'_

_Shadow2446_

_dancer22745_

_Meranda Gaea Etraud- this child is mental. We must love her._

_..invisible_

_xXMizz Alec VolturiXx_

_Merciless Princess_

_ilovethetwilightsagagradof2018- complete nut. Worship!_

_I love you all! If I left you out, review and remind me to constantly check my e-mails!_

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this story! Not the Volturi, the songs, the VW company or the people mentioned. Oh, I do own Dr. Escargot! Yay!**

Remember- I love you all. But not in a weird way. Just in a normal way. Which isn't weird.

God, I've confused myself.

_**THE VOLTURI GO TO THERAPY**_

Alec was happy. He was just innocently skipping down a corridor humming to himself in his new shiny cloak when it happened.

God, it happened.

Do you want to know what happened?

I don't think you do.

But I'm gonna tell you. Because I'm just freaky that way.

Now, what in the name of Taylor Momsen's hair extensions was I talking about? Oh yes.

It happened.

As Alec was jauntily hopping past the mysterious-round-room-that-I-invented-which-seems-to-keep-cropping-up, he peered in. As you do.

And saw a horrific and traumatising scene. _Worse than when Felix's thong snapped._

I know.

As he was looking in, he saw Bruce and Felix dancing to 'It's Raining Men' by Anastasia. Nothing highly unusual.

Suddenly, however, Bruce leaped upon Felix. Bloody hell, things went downhill from there.

As Alec watched, too shocked to move, Bruce planted one on Felix.

Felix screamed. What in the name of Dr. Cox was Bruce doing?

Bruce screamed. Was this some kind of game?

Alec screamed. Holy Santa Claus, what was happening to the world?

Afton screamed. He won 50 big ones on a scratch card.

"It's been brought to my attention that some matters have arised that need to be addressed," Aro announced rather pompously. He had shed his American gangsta look for now and had become an English aristocrat.

"Felix was attacked rather suddenly and Alec hasn't spoken for a little over 2 days," Aro continued.

Everyone turned to look at Alec. His new shiny cloak was now a bit dusty and he was lying on the floor in the foetal position with his thumb in his mouth. Jane was kneeling next to him.

Everyone just sort of shrugged and turned back to Aro.

He started to pace up and down the room.

"After some careful consideration, my associates and I," he stopped and waved an airy hand to his brothers, one of which was still wearing a shiny boiler suit, " have decided that therapy is the wisest option to take."

Everyone gaped at him. Don't these people have anything better to do?

"Aro. You can't be serious!" Heidi yelled.

"I assure you, Heidi, that I indeed am," Aro sniffed.

"Yeah, man. Let's do it y'all!" Demetri bellowed.

"Demetri, if you don't shut up, I will personally rip off your arm and shove it down your throat," Chelsea stated while staring in astonishment at Aro.

Aro was gazing around happily.

"Well, now let's leave, shall we?"

The Volturi started trailing behind Aro towards a large limo/bus thing.

"Aro! I want to sit next to you, Aro!" Jane was screaming while dragging her brother along by the hood of his cloak.

Christ, the images.

"No, Aro, baby, I'm sitting with you!" Sulpicia ( You know what? We are sticking with Cia. Sulpicia is just utterly wtf. It's a pretty name, but for the love of Carlisle, how do you say it?) shrieked poking Jane with a huge stick she had found.

"Ladies, ladies. Does it honestly matter?"

"YES!" they yelled.

Twas going to be a veeeeeeery long journey.

FINALLY, they arrived at Dr. Escargot's office.

Yes, Dr. Escargot. Listen, you cheeky minxes, it 1.06 in the morning. Leave me alone.

"OK, the um.. Volturi Coven?" asked a confused looking receptionest.

"Ah, it's us! Come along!" cried Aro as he stalked into the office of Dr. Escargot.

After everyone had eventually sorted themselves out/ broke the stick they were being assaulted with/ dragged their mute brother into the office, Dr. Escargot asked for everyone's name.

"OK, hey everybody! My name is Dr. Escargot. To start off our first therapy session together, I'd like everyone to give me their name and one fact about themselves! OK, why don't you start sir?" he asked Aro.

"Certainly. My name is Aro and I quite enjoy a good Yorkshire Pudding."

"Sulpicia's the name. I like Aro!"

"Cauis. Angry."

"Athenodora. I can't spell my own name."

"Ummmm.... My name's Marcus. You know. My wife's dead."

Alec just whimpered.

"Jane. I don't like you."

"Hi, hi! My name's Chelsea! I'm like, Heidi's BFF!"

"Omg, I'm Heidi and I'm like, Chelsea's BFF! Yay!"

"Yo, Afton. I'm straight."

"Corin. I know that Afton has cross-dressing tendencies."

"Santiago. I like to eat people."

"Renata. No-one likes me."

"My name's Felix and I like to collect thongs!"

"Holla, the name is Demetri. I'm a stud."

By the time this was over, Dr. Escargot had filled two notebooks and was sweating like a dyslexic on Countdown.

"Er, um right. I see. Now, um, what's wrong with this young man?" he inquired about Alec.

"He saw Felix kissing another man," Jane said bluntly, " And I still don't like you."

"I see. Yes. OK, Felix?"

"Sup dude?"

"Are you......... well. Are you a......?" Dr. Escargot asked.

"Hell to the naw man. I is as straight as a round-about!" Felix answered proudly.

"Riiiight," Dr. E muttered.

Yes. Dr. E. I like it.

"So, dude, what's up with you?" Dem asked kindly.

"I........ er... what?"

"Well, you spend all your time asking other people how they feel, so I figured you might wanna talk?"

"Well OK. I was born in 1989 and I graduted 2 years ahead of my class......................................................"

*Three hours later*

"And.... and it wasn't my fault, you know? I just wasn't ready!" Dr. E wailed.

"Let it all out, man," Corin advised.

"I just wasn't ready to upgrade! I mean I loved that car. With all my heart! I cleaned it, put petrol in it, took it out!"

"Keep going, honey, don't keep it bottled up," Chelsea said.

"WHAT ELSE COULD I DO? Oh, God!" Dr. E lying on a chaise lounge, sobbing.

"I know it must hurt, but it had to be done," Felix proclaimed wisely.

"It was for the best," Aro muttered.

"I still don't like you," Jane told him.

Alec just sucked his thumb harder.

Everyone clambered aboard the big limo/bus thing to go home.

"Well, I think that went excellently!" Aro exclaimed.

Everyone turned to stare at Alec who was rocking backwards and forwards on his heels muttering to himself.

"Yes, quite well," Cauis agreed. He, too, had shed his previous image for a top hat, cane and spectacles. And er, that's it.

Marcus just sighed.

Santiago reached over and turned on the radio.

**"And breaking news just in! A masked mad man has just robbed a Volkswagen dealership! According to reports, he burst in wearing underwear, a cape and mask and starting screaming about a lost loved one. He then leaped across the room and over the main desk and demanded the keys to a specific car. Upon being told that they weren't made anymore, he broke down and destroyed 5 new models. He then grabbed a random set of keys and **_**somersaulted out of the window! **_**No-one has any idea who this freaking lunatic is or what in the name of Meryl Streep he was doing. Over to you, Dana."**

Everyone looked at Aro.

"What is the world coming to?" he sighed.

**It is 1.45 in the morning and to be quite frank (whoever that is) I am bloody exhausted.**

**Review and tell me what you think!**

**Really don't like this chapter!**

**It's annoying me now! **


	8. Meow!  4 !

_**OK, THIS HAS GONE ALL WEIRD. SOME NAMES AREN'T COMING UP RIGHT! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE THOUGH! Pistachio and this is for you refers to !**_

Hey, hey! I'm back y'all!

So, I am so ridiculously sorry for being so disgustingly lazy and not posting this sooner.

Anyhoo, you know the drill! Ideas+ message me= chapter!

Thank you:

**2White Flame16**

**AlecCullen4**

**Meranda Gaea Etraud- **_**omigod. I like peed myself reading her review. This child has to be loved, she is bloody insane.**_

**CrisiMarie**

**xxBoyMeetsGirlxx**

**..invisible- **_**who let me in on the mystery of Frank. I will always be grateful.**_

**pulchra fabula **

**Pindar**

**- one word: **_**pistachio- **_

**ICeQUeen627**

**SwirlyL**

If I left you out, yell. Or review again!

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything mentioned in this story! Even the idea wasn't mine! However, I do own the mysterious-round-room. Yay me!**

_ this is for you- _

_

* * *

_

**CRAZY CATLADY! OH NOES!**

"It's a very nice day today," Felix casually commented to Demetri.

"Why is Felix talking in third person?" Dem asked.

"Because the complete twat of an author thought it would be cool to make Felix talk in third person," Felix gushed.

"Hmmm. The author is a complete idiot," Demetri concluded. I must say, I agree.

"Oh, look! Felix sees Alec! Let's try and get him to talk!" Felix bounded over to a shaking Alec.

Alec looked up and saw him coming. Suddenly a range of images flashed behind his eyelids. They finally stopped on a scene which showed a mysterious-round-room and two men. And that's when Alec's eyes rolled back and he collapsed.

"Well, crap," Demetri said.

* * *

"I can't believe it! He was so YOUNG!" Aro wailed, sobbing into a curtain.

"He was so beautiful! He had so much potenTIAL!" Jane lamented.

"Um, guys? He's not dead," Cia told them, gesturing to Alec, who was looking at them, rather confused.

"Oh please! We're not talking about HIM!" Aro screamed. "Clearly, we're talking about Dally!"

Jane collapsed into sobs.

"Must you really watch The Outsiders? You get sooooo emotional," Dora muttered.

Jane and Aro ignored her.

"Oh, God, Dally!" sobs racked Jane's body. "Why did you carry that gun? IT WASN'T LOADED!"

The two fell to the floor, crying their poor hearts out. I know how they feel. I spontaneously combusted- no I don't think I mean that. I spontaneously burst (leave it.) into tears one day beacuse of that book/film. It kills me. Sniff.

Alec just looked upon them. Like he was a Looking Creature. Whose goal in life was to look things to death. Notorious buggers, those Looking Creature thingies. Even if I did just invent it. That's it, now. I won't be able to sleep. Omigod, look. You've started again. I can't get through one chapter without you minxes distracting me.

Go stand in the corner.

No, _after_ you've read this.

Dear sweet Lord. Some people make you want to pull a Dally.

* * *

"Felix, I have le plan de genius," Demetri whispered.

"Oh, that sounds painful."

"No, idiot. I have a genius plan!"

"Ooooooooooh!"

"Well, don't you want to know what it is?"

"Felix thought that was kinda implied in the ooooooooooh."

"Oh."

"WELL?"

"Oh, yeah. We're gonna get Alec... outside!"

"LE GASP!"

* * *

Alec was nervous.

It was quiet.

He didn't like the quiet.

It made him think bad things.

Suddenly, he heard a noise.

"Pssssssssssssssssst!"

Alec jumped. Bad noise.

"Alec! Pssssssst! The window!" an accent-which-the-author-thinks-is-hot-said.

Demetri!

"We're gonna bust you out mate!"

Why would they bust him out? He could just walk through the door. Ah, well, he thought. Might as well.

"Ok, stand back!"

! (i think that's meant to be an explosion noise. Huh.)

Felix and Demetri were standing on one of those awesome window cleaner things.

"Run Alec, run!" Alec leaped onto the awesome window cleaner things. It may be called a platform. Who knows? More importantly, who cares? (And if there are any window cleaners randomly reading this- what the Bon Jovi is it called?)

As soon as they reached the bottom, they started to run for the gate that I just made up. However, Cauis and Marcus stopped them.

"What's going on here?" Cauis demanded. Marcus sighed.

"Felix and Demetri are busting Alec out!" Felix yelled.

"Oh, carry on," Cauis said. Marcus looped a rope around the branch of a tree.

"Not here Marcus. The neighbour's will see."

The two drifted off and Felix and Dem picked up Alex by the arms and raced him to the centre of Volterra.

* * *

The trio of vampires proceeded to terroise the city, graffiting, loitering and being a public disturbance really, until Dem started walking through the alley to get back home.

"Oh. My. God. That was hilarious! I fully think that guy thought you were coming onto him Felix!" Demetri choked.

"I know, right? God, sometimes, Felix is just too awesome for non-Felix beings," Felix sighed.

"WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT CAT?" Demetri screamed.

"DEAR LORD, WHAT THE SMURF?" Felix yelled.

Alec mimed surprise and amusement. I'm not sure how. He just did. Feel the love, accept it and move on you cheeky peeps, you!

It was HUGE! The cat, that is.

All big and white and fluffy and just generally wowzers!

Felix, Dem and Alec were all taunting the humungous cat when a crazy woman came screaming out of the shadows.

"Hiyahhhhh meow haaaah meow!" screeched this mad persom, her arms flailing around. She was wearing a long blue cardigan and her hair was flying every which way. North, south,east, west, salsa, mash potato you name it- her hair was doing it. Reminds me a little of mine... Hmmm. Do you ever notice how the humidity plays havoc with random bits of hair?

Anyway, back to the story. You just can't stop can you? I mean one minute, I'm writing my story and the next we're talking about everything under Jupiter. Look, your doing it now. I know it. You're sitting there, raising your eyebrows, looking around wondering, "How the funky dinosaur does she know what I'm doing?" I would tell you, but it's a trade secret. Like the haircare store! Trade Secret! See what I did there? Tied the conversation in? Oh, whatever.

NOW. Back to crazy woman!

"Miyahhhhh heeeeee meeoaw ruff ruff heeesshhh!" mad woman shrieked at Alec.

Alec looked to Felix and Demetri for help.

"I have no idea," Dem said bluntly.

"Felix thinks she might want ice-cream," Felix said thoughtfully.

"What?"

"Well Felix thinks heeeeee might be Cat-woman for me and meeoaw want. And of course heeesshhh is Cat-woman for ice-cream."

"How in the name of Tom Cruise did you figure that out?"

"Well, it's a vague guess. And Felix's mother was a cat lady."

"I am so not surprised," Demetri said. Alec nodded.

Suddenly, Crazy Catwoman/ Mad Lady stopped and pointed at Alec.

Felix and Demetri looked at Alec.

Alec looked at them.

It was the bloody Looking Creatures exstravaganza all over again.

"! HAEEEEEEEEESH! MEOOOOOOOAOOOEOOOW! MR. TINY! SIC!"

Felix and Demetri gasped.

OK, when I say gasped, I mean shrieked.

Like little girls.

Quite pathetic, really.

Alec turned to look at the two Volturi guards. He was speechless.

Not really a change then.

"SIIIIIIIIC!"

It all happened in slow motion. Felix turned his head and yelled, "AAAAAAAAAAALLLLEEEEEEC, RRRRRRRRRRUUUUN!"

Dem screamed at him, " GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Crazy Catwoman/ Mad Lady was breathing heavily still screaming at the ginormous montster that appears to be called Mr. Tiny. God, original. Wonder who came up with that? Cough.

Then.

Then.

Oh, then.

Beautiful Alec turned his magnificent head and began to run, while...

Oh, while.

While bellowing, "OH MY HOLY CULLEN!"

Yes, he bellowed. I know. I'm so proud.

So, Alec went splitting down the alley with Mr. Tiny following.

Felix was still yelling in slow motion until Demetri turned to him.

"What are you doing?"

"Felix is yelling in slow motion, of course."

"We're done doing that."

"Oh."

Meanwhile, Crazy Catwoman/ Mad Lady had climbed on top of a load of cardboardboxes. It almost looked like she was getting ready to leap on top on some unsuspecting vampires.

And that's when she leapt on top of some unsuspecting vampires.

I didn't see that coming.

The three rolled around for a while, "Ooofs," and "Oh Lords," and "Your face!" audible.

Then, "Mama?"

* * *

IN THE FAR, BUT CLOSE DISTANCE:

"You crazy cat! Gerrof me! Oh, Edward! HELP ME SOMEONE!"

* * *

IN THE VOLTURI LAIR:

"AHHH, HAHH, HAHH. WHY, GOD, WHY?"

"He's only a KID! He hasn't lived!"

"SHUT UP AND GET OVER IT!"

"OHMIGOD, DALLY! I LOVE YOU!

* * *

**And there you have it, chickadees.**

**Now, this Crazy Catwoman/ Mad Lady is not based on anyone. Not my grandmother or my future self.**

**Not all all. **

**Cough.**

**Oh, yeah! **

**Review?**

**Pleases?**

**And thank yous?**

**You know I love you.**

**You know it. ; )**

**Let's see if it works here _. that chapter was for you! So was the mention of pistachio!_**


	9. The Birthday

**I'm a terrible lazy person for not updating. But I have excuses. Here we go-**

**exams. Boring exams, but apparently they're compulsary. Whatever!**

**Friend dramas. I swear, my life is like a soap.**

**My idiot brother broke his arm. I am now like a part time uncaring nurse.**

**I have been sick the past week. It involved me not being able to move beacause even the slightest motion made me upchuck. I bet you're loving the images.**

**My parents are STILL splitting up and we STILL haven't found anywhere else to live so that is a BUNDLE of larfs.**

**Whatever.**

**Thank you so so much to:**

**Satan'sLittleHelper95**

**pulchra fabula- I know. He's growing up. Bless**

**..invisible**

**Meranda Gaea Etraud- owner of Le Gasp... and if any certain... cast members are reading this, we're on to you. Yeah. Uh-huh. Also, official stalker. I like that. It makes me feel loved. **

**- I don't even WANT to know how she gets some of these ideas...**

**.- craaaaaaaaazy person! I like it!**

**Usual applies- if I didn't write you up, shout at me!**

** owns this idea!**

**Disclaimer: Oh, you silly lawyers. Do you honestly think if I had Jacob or Alec at my beck and call, I would be writing fanfiction? No. I would not. They would be feeding me Jaffa Cakes and PopTarts. Both of which, I also do not own.**

**So to be clear- Twilight, Jaffa Cakes, PopTarts and any musical thingies in this ARE NOT MINE.**

**Enjoy!**

_**The Birthday Party**_

Alec was in a very good mood. He had went from looking like this- :/ to looking like this- :D

This may have had something to do with his new found love. You see, our darling Alec had fallen into a rather deep obsession for Jaffa Cakes. I mean, one can understand. They have like this amazing spongey stuff and then this orangey bit and chocolatey goodness on top (leave it.).

They're just WOW. Gasp, hold up!

Do they have Jaffa Cakes in America? Omigod! OK, anyone that reads this story and who lives in America/ Canada/ Australia/ Wonderland- you must review and tell me. Omigod!

Anywaaaaaaaay, where was I before I was rudely interrupted by some complete twit gushing about Jaffa Cakes. Ooh, I like Jaffa Cakes. Shuddup.

Oh yeah!

Alec luurved the Jaffa Cakes. In fact, it was the present he gave Jane on their birthday. Which was today. Did I mention that? No? Yes, I did! Hold up just one minute!

...

...

...

Oh.

Hmmm, well, it is, OK?

Suppose I'm going to have to backtrack now.

**...**

"Jane, Jane, Jane!"

"Mmmph? No, tis Heidi, fool."

"Jane, Jane, Jane!"

"No, Alec, you twat. It's Feliiix."

"Jane, Jane, Ja-"

"SHUDDUP ALEC! I'M RIGHT BESIDE YOU!"

"Oh."

...

"WELL?"

"Where?"

"What?"

"I didn't know we had a well!"

"Cos we don't!"

"Then, why are you yelling about a well?" Alec rolled his eyes at Demetri who shook his head.

"NO! I meant _well, why are you screaming my name?"_

"Oo-er, Jane."

"SHUDDUP CORIN, YOU STUPID FOOL!"

"Jane, Jane, Jane!" Alec crowed.

"IN THE NAME OF SALVATORE WHAT ALEC, _**WHAT?"**_

"Well, if you're going to be like _that_, just forget it..."

Suddenly, Jane leaped forward, grabbed Alec by the shirt and pulled him to her.

"_Tell me,_" she growled/hissed.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Alec yelled. Jane just glared.

"Oh, oh, oh, yes! Happy birthday, you two! Party later?" Heidi squealed.

"Oh, well, I don't rea-," Alec started all happily embarrassed with a ridiculous (but hot) 'aw shucks' look on his prettyful face.

"Oh, nonsense! If such a momentous occasion doesn't call for a huge gala, then, I don't know what does!" Aro gushed as he dandered into the room with **Cia** (don't even GET me started) and Afton.

Jane growled. Like, _growled, _growled.

"!"

Or that's what it sounded like anyway.

But WHATEVER!

My Damon, must I constantly be distracted? OMIGOD! (my mum just got back from Sainsbury's! She bought PopTarts! Be right back!)

One PopTart later...

OK, one and a half. Gosh!

ANYWAY!

"Jane," Heidi gasped. "You don't want a party?" She was horrified at the idea that someone wouldn't want to be the centre of attention.

"Forgive me for not wanting to celebrate the tedious day I was brought into this hellhole," Jane muttered, bearing a striking resemblence to Mandy off _The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy._

You don't watch _The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy_? Oh. My. Dear. Sweet. Strawberry. Flavoured. PopTarts. Get watching them people! Cartoon Network! And don't say you're too old, cos I'm 15! Pffffffffft.

Christ on a bike, I've done it again.

Like I was telling you...

Heidi just couldn't grasp the fact that Jane didn't luurve her bday! Yeah, sure, like, no-one knew what age the twins were going to be, just that they were like over or around the 300 mark but whateva! Heidi loved birthdays! They were the shizzle to her bizzle!

Just don't even.

Anyhoo, Alec and Heidi looked at each other. (Again with the looking. These hot freaks can't go a day without looking. It's all _**look, look, look, look, look**_! And I'm like _**NO! BUGGER OFF!)**_ So, while Alec and Heidi were looking at each other and giggling and just generally being idiots, Jane slipped out.

She ran up to her bedroom to wallow about being a teenage vampire some more. Twas her favourite past time. Apart from torturing people. Anyway.

_**Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack toooooooooooooooo preeeeeeeseeeeeeeeent ...**_

"You are my sunshine,

My only sunshine,

You make me full when I am hun- gray,

And if you knew, bickies, how much I eat you,

You'd never take my Jaffa Cakes awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!"

Alec was humming his new song when he toddled over to Jane's room.

"Hup, hup, lads!"

"What the funky dinosaur are you talking about Alec?"

"We are very nearly almost late for our own birthday party!"

Jane sighed. "I'm not going Alec."

"Sure you are! Look at you!"

Jane looked at herself in the mirror at her vanity where she was putting the finishing touches on her make up. Sure enough, she was an uber pale pink ballgown with silver stiletto's and silver drop earrings. Her long blonde hair was pulled up into a ringlet-ty updo. She looked booty-ful.

"Oh. I seem to have gotten dressed by mistake."

"Well, let's rock and rooooll baby!"

"Shut up, Alec."

"OK."

**Meanwhile...**

"OK, yes. Volturi Lair. Yes, it's noticable! I mean, it's a bloody huge castle with a luminous sign saying "Volturi Lair"!" Heidi bellowed into the phone.

Then she grinned. "Ok, see you soon."

"!"

"Heidi, you sound like a constipated frog."

"Shuddup Cauis, you sarky old codger."

**Other meanwhile...**

"Jaffa Cakes, oh Jaffa Cakes-"

"ALEC! DON'T MAKE ME RUIN MY MAKE UP!"

"Yes, Jane."

"OK, we're here!"

"Yes, we are," Alec giggled whispering to himself.

"Yes, OK. Hmm."

Jane pushed open the doors.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

"Oh, gosh! This is all for us? You shouldn't have!" Alec squealed.

Jane glared at him. She had re-reliased her hatred of the limelight.

Which isn't even lime.

I mean, wtf?

Anyway.

Jane flounced over to the present table and sat there sulking. Alec and Heidi _looked_ at eachother. (For the love of God) They had a plaaaaaaan.

DING-DONG-DING-DONG-DONG-DONG-DONG-DING

"Eh?" Cauis said.

"Alec, go get that," Marcus ordered.

"With pleasure," Alec muttered, giggling alongside Heidi.

Alec hopped along to the inconspicuos doors. They had flashing lights stapled to them and a couple of banners. Nothing noticable, really.

"Hello?" Alec inquired.

"Hey there, stud," a man at the door whispered.

The man was dressed in a James Bond style. Black suit, attractive messy hair, classicly handsome. Looked a little like Ian Somerhalder, know what I'm saying? Heh-heh.

"Nice," Alec whispered. "OK, you're a... surprise for my sister. It's her birthday."

"Ah, alright mate. What age?"

"Ummm, she's got a good few years on her."

Hot guy chuckled. "No problem."

_**Baaaack in the mysteriiiooous-round-roooooom-that-I-invented-where-the-party-was-being-heeeld-ah...**_

Ke$ha was blaring through the room, when suddenly the lights went off.

"" erupted (leave it.) around the room.

"It's starting!" Heidi howled. She had got messages to everyone and told them what was going to happen.

"What's starting?" Jane hissed.

All of a sudden, Britney Spears came blaring on

"I know I may be young, but I've got feelings too and I need to do what I feel like doing so let me go and just listen.

All you people look at me like I'm a little girl.

Well did you ever think it be okay for me to step into this world.

Always saying little girl don't step into the club.

Well I'm just tryin' to find out why cause dancing's what I love.

Get it get it, get it get it (whoooa)

Get it get it, get it get it (whoooooa)(do you like it)

Get it get it, get it get it (ooohhhh)(this feels good)"

"Who here is... Jane?" an alluring voice called out.

"What the smurf?" Jane squeaked.

A spotlight switched on and ran around the room before resting on Jane. (Leave it.)

"I hear it's your birthday Jane. I gotta a little surprise for you..."

The music changed to Gwen Stefani.

"High on the hills with the lonely goatherd, lay-od-lay-od-lay-he-hoo

Yodell back with the girl and goatherd, lay-od-lay-od-low

Wind it up

Wind it up, uh, uh, uh, uh

Yodellay, yodallay, yodal-low

(Yeah)

This is the key that makes us wind up

When the beat comes on, the girls all line up

And the boys all look, but no, they can't touch

But the girls want to know why the boys like us so much

They like way we dance, they like the way we work

They like the way the L.A.M.B. is going 'cross my shirt

They like the way my pants, it compliments my shape (She's crazy, right?)

They like the way we react everytime we dance"

Dean (as hot guy declared himself) was stalking towrads Jane, stopping occasionally and performing a... dance move?

"Happy birthday, Jane," Dean sang.

Then...

"DEAN?"

"FELIX?"

"Oh, I KNOW you were not about to get all up on Janie the Painie over there!"

"Wait. You two know each other?" Chelsea asked.

"Uh-huh, honey!" Dean cried. "I danced at Felix's private birthday party a few years ago!"

Everyone turned to stare at Felix. Demetri and Afton backed away.

"_Dude!_" Santiago whispered.

Felix ignored them.

"I cannot believe this! I thought we had something special!"

"Felix, it was one time! My God!"

"Oh, you know Dean?"

"What?"

"I don't even give a damn! I waited for you to call me! And guess what? You didn't! Jerk!"

"Oh God, right, whatever. I'm going. Sorry everyone."

With that Dean swirled on his shiny shoes and stormed out.

The room was silent.

Completely and utterly silent.

A deafening silence.

Still silent.

I want another PopTart.

Maybe vanilla this time.

.

Jane was still frozen in shock.

No-one was moving.

It's getting a bit monotonous.

I saw the trailer for Eclipse today. Hel-lo Riley! You can bite me any time!

Quiet...

I howl for Jacob!

Still qu- oh hear we go. (see what i did there? silence? hear instead of here? Oh Jebus, I crack myself up. Oh lols. Heeheehee)

Alec was rolling on the floor laughing. Chelsea and Heidi were clinging to Renata for support. Aro, Cauis and Marcus were just completely shell shocked, much like Jane who still hadn't moved. The whole place was in uproar. The party slowly started to get back into swing, with Lady Gaga being the main focus.

However, there was one corner that was quite sober.

Afton, Santiago ( which i always imagine saying like- San-TI-agOH. You know? Like Spanish accent, all slow? No? Just me? Ok.) and Demetri surrounded Felix.

"Dude!" protested Santiago again.

"I can't even say it, it's too upsetting," Demetri flustered about. Afton took over.

"Dude! We CANNOT believe that you had a party and DIDN'T INVITE US!"

**Ok, my chum's that is it. Not sure how it went. You could always review and tell me...**

**I know, shameless.**

**But seriously review!**

**I have no idea how many people read this story but I really want to know! It takes 30 seconds! Just write anything- good, bad, funny, bananas- whatever!**

**Remember, suggestions are always welcome!**

**I love you all as much as I love Jaffa Cakes!**

**Ok and seriously, tell me if they have Jaffa Cakes wherever you live!**

**Now.**

**PopTart time.**

**Yeeeeeeah baby!**

**I reliase how creepy that is. **

**Sorry.**

**Goodbye. REVIEW! -.- **


	10. AUTHORS NOTE

_**AUTHORS NOTE!**_

_**Ok, Ok, Ok!**_

_**I am going to do The Volturi Does Glee!**_

_**Should it be part of this story or a seperate one?**_

_**If you have any requests, tell me!**_

_**Go to my profile there will be a poll about where the Volturi/Glee story should be!**_

_**Thanks!**_


	11. Once again, a pathetic excuse from me

I'm so sorry.

This is just another pathetic excuse but I feel I owe you an explanation.

You all remember my first excuse about my parents splitting up? Well, I'm moving out tomorrow with my mum and brother and it's killing me. I love my dad so much, and I love my mum, I don't know how I can be expected to choose between them.

Anyway I've been really busy with exams and packing, but about 3 days ago I reliased that I was going to have to leave my dad and I haven't been to.. stable since. I don't know if it affects everyone the same way or whatever but I haven't really stopped crying- all I can say is I'm so glad I have the most amzing friends. And you guys! Everytime I see an alert or favourite or review, I swear it makes me so happy.

So thank you so so so so much you guys for not getting angry at me and thank you for your patience. This has just been a really hard time- like I always thought people were just being dramatic when they said that but hello karma!- for me and I appreciate you being so patient.

I promise I will try my best to get chapters for you. I don't care how hard it is to think of ideas, I'll do it.

_**And I KNOW that you don't need to know about my life or whatever, I just wanted to explain.**_

Love you!


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